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Welcome to Nuke the Whales

Here I will post essays of conspiracy therories,  world destruction, world domination, or annything! Just email them and I will post them here and give you the credit!

Email I've Gotten
From: Nuke the Whales
Shouldn't really go here, but where else would I put it?
I also wish to nuke the whales!

The "Nuke the Whales" campaign is aiming to entirely eliminate all species
of whales, dolphins, and porpoises.  These animals are a major threat to
many economies in which fishing is a major source of income.  Whales eat
massive amounts of fish which leaves very little to be caught by fishermen. 
They often follow fishing vessels and steal their catch and this scares away
any surrounding fish as well.  They also become tangled in fishing nets
frequently and usually end up destroying them.  Fishing nets can be very
expensive and the fishermen have to purchase new nets often because of the
damage inflicted upon them by the whales.  These issues are very big
problems for the industry, but by far the largest and most severe issue
caused by whales is the consumption of fishermen.  Whales have been known to
kill and eat large numbers of fishermen.

So in order to save the fishing industry and the economies that depend on
it, we must eliminate this problem, and the simplest solution would be to
nuke the whales and cause them to become extinct.

Without whales, dolphins, and porpoises the fishing industry will be greatly

- there will be more much fish available for the fishermen
- money will be saved on nets
- and most importantly, the lives of many fishermen will be saved

Alpha to Omega v1.0
How to take over the world in five steps
Written by Jacob Wise
Step 1
Obtain the DNA of the world's greatest scientific minds and use it to clone
them.  Kidnap the real scientists and then kill their clones.  This will
make the government suspicious, but not as suspicious as they would be if
you had just kidnapped them and not made it look like murder.  This will
help keep the government off your tail.  It's more effective if you find a
way to frame someone else for it, preferably another evil genius.

Step 2
Obtain resources for your plan by blackmailing major industries.  Deliver
materials to scientists (make sure they are under heavy surveillance so that
they don't ruin your plans by rigging your weapons!) and instruct them to
build giant robots/mechs and advanced weaponry of all sorts.  Try and
include things such as EMPs to disable enemy equipment, and a gun that will
melt the flesh off of it's victims.

Step 3
Begin recruiting thousands of henchmen -- 20,000 should do -- via secure
communication, so as to further avoid alerting the government.  Form cults
and brainwash people as needed.  See my "How to Properly Take Over the
World" a couple of common sense tips on henchmen maintenance.  Be sure to
train them heavily in using your new advanced weaponry.

Step 4
A couple of months before your attacks begin craft a deadly virus and
release it near military installments.  This will lower resistance and make
your rise to power easier.  Be sure to vaccinate all people in your
organization.  Also craft a computer virus that you will release when your
attack begins so that you scramble resistance.  Send your troops back into
society in cells well equipped and trained.  Spread them a decent amount
apart, but not too far.  These groups should be no larger than a couple of
hundred strong each.  When ready, have your men come out of hiding and kill
all in their path.  Release the computer virus to cripple resistance and let
none stop you.

Step 5
When you are crowned as the supreme overlord of all living things, make your
surviving henchmen people of power, or execute them.  Gather all surviving
people and plant a micro-explosive in their head that is directly linked to
your heartbeat.  This may take a couple of years, and all newborns have the
explosive implanted at birth.  When your heart stops, everyone on earth will
explode and the human race will end.  This will prevent assassination and
lengthen your rule because everyone will WANT you to live as long as
possible.  If you want to be particularly thorough, set all nuclear warheads
with the same heartbeat technology so that every nuke in the world explodes
simultaneously when you die.  You win.

How to Properly Take Over the World
Writen by Jacob Wise (Marrauk)
As we all know, an evil genius can't take over the world on his own. You
need an army of at least 20,000 henchmen to even stand a chance against
all the other evil geniuses out there. Be sure that the henchmen firmly
stand behind you, if they don't, have them executed. Fear is a good
substitute for loyalty. And try to recruit semi-stupid henchmen that
don't require dental plans or any other special benefits. The standard
evil genius has a limited budget.

But where are you going to house all of these henchmen? You'll need a
base of operations, better known as an evil lair. Island bases have
become quite popular in recent decades, as well as underwater and
mountain lairs. Before you purchase your evil lair, you will need
funding for your world domination plans. The best way to do this is to
find a billionare and blackmail them. Of course, it's hard to find a
free billionare, seeing as how most of them are already involved in
world domination plans (Bill Gates, for example).

Once you have adequate funding, henchmen, and an evil lair; you now need
to locate and kidnap the worlds greatest minds in fields such as
robotics, computers, nuclear stuffs, etc. Once they are prisoners to
your evil plot, make sure to kidnap their families to provide motivation
for them to work for you.

Have them begin construction on a doomsday device immediatly, chances
are the military will be out looking for them. A nuclear death ray/bomb
is the standard doomsday device of choice for the amateur evil genius.
When construction is complete, lock the scientists in a secure room (you
may need them later) and contact the UN. Threaten to destroy the world
if they do not meet your demands, a warning shot at a random country's
capital is the formal way to intimidate your enemies.

Don't be fooled by them, they will most likely send troops to your
location. Fire the death ray at the troops, but be cautious, there's a
99% chance that some super-spy snuck in and tinkered with your ray.
After the death ray malfunctions and blows up, order your henchmen to
shoot at the super-spy.

Most people tend to think that there's power in numbers, and if you have
20,000 people shooting at one target, you are bound to hit it at least
once. This is very wrong, see Star Wars and James Bond movies for proof
of this fact.

Now that your plans have been ruined, jump into your escape pod and yell
at the spy something cliché like "This isn't the end [insert name of spy
here]! We will meet again!" And take off in your escape pod and start
all over again.

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